I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the word forgiveness, how important it is and what it truly means.
Forgiveness: is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as revenge, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.
All of my life it has been easy to forgive others, even myself. I know it is God’s wish for us to forgive one another. I have been beating myself up over and over, trying to figure out how to forgive that one certain person, who pained me so much, that you could never begin to imagine. Even after almost 18 years I cannot bring myself to forgive him. I wish it was as easy as just saying “I forgive you” but it’s not.
I feel like I am a prisoner in my own jail, trying to escape. I just continue to live life, by putting it all behind me, burying everything into a deep, dark closet. His crime has put my own soul into a prison cell, right along side of his own.
That person who committed the most heart wrenching crime imaginable to me, gets out of prison today after 17 years. He is “free” so to speak and has “served” his time according to the justice system. I know he will still live a life of hell and God will take care of that. Now myself on the other hand, have come to realize I need to “free” myself from prison too, I have “served” enough time…. But I am not ready to say "I forgive you".
My heart says forgive, so I can be at peace and move on but there is something inside that still says “not yet”. I have spent the last couple months trying to overcome all these “feelings”. Being scared of the unknown, thinking the worst will happen when he is released, these painful memories all being brought up again. I am done. I’m tired and there is nothing I can do to change any of this, but drop this “heavy load” right here, on this day. When I am ready to “forgive” I will. It’s just not today.
Now for an explanation. Mackenzie died almost 18 years ago...At the sweet age of 3. I still struggle to put it behind me every day, March 10th ~ the day the Lord took her in his arms and gave her Wings...
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The morning of March 9th, 1996 I went out to do some shopping and came home to a nightmare. My 3 year old daughter Mackenzie Bussiere, sexually abused then brutally murdered by the hands of a monster, Brian Merkt. My 5 year
my explaination of forgiveness
old Nicole upstairs, silent and scared. Police cars everywhere, confused and worried, I saw "him" in handcuffs and was told my daughter was transported to Gillete Children's Hospital in Minneapolis.
I called my family members on the way to the hospital and remember thinking to myself... did Mackenzie have a broken arm or a broken leg? That silly little kid - always getting into something. Remembering something said about her falling down the stairs. Thinking I'll get there... she'll be okey. WRONG!
I got to the hospital and I wasn't able to see her, Police and Doctors asking me a million questions, nurses- treating me like I was DIRT! What is going on? I just want to see my daughter!
Well, later that night, after several hours of waiting I finally got to go in and see her. My mind has blocked most of this traumatic event out, but what I can remember is my little sweet, blonde haired Mackenzie lying there sleeping, bruised, and helpless, a million tubes... lifeless.
Throughout the night I waited for doctors to tell me she was improving. It didn't happen. The next morning, the doctor told me she had severe trauma to the head and was brain dead - we had to let her go. Holding her hand, I watched her drift away.... forever.
A single young mother, with no money, no job and no place to go, I was lost, devastated and confused. Thank goodness for my close family, or I would have never made it this far! Over the next month, Nicole was taken away, my life was scrutinized and made public. I was degraded down to nothing, feeling I meant nothing to nobody. Everything I ever did or didn't do was made out to be bad.
I had court dates, trial dates and amongst all this, I needed to plan a funeral for my 3 year old daughter. To make a long story somewhat short, I am thankful for what I have today, and especially proud of who I have become since then. This coming March, It will be 13 years since Mackenzie died. I proved myself to the courts, and got Nicole back on- believe it or not, March 9th, 2000.
Nicole is now a beautiful- but struggling 17 year old and I have another bright and shiny daughter, Amaya who is now 5. I have a great loving man, Dave, whom I will keep forever! A Loving and supporting, close - family that I won't trade in either.
I have overcome a lot over the years. I will continue to work on “Forgiveness” for him, but I WILL NOT CONTINUE TO BEAT MYSELF UP OVER IT. It is not fair to myself, my husband, children or family. I have a whole life ahead of me.
There is nothing I can do to change the past, but I can work on the future.
How easy would you be able to "forgive"?
~ Justina
MacKenzie's
WISH
Brian Merkt, Brian Patrick Merkt, Minnesota Department of Corrections, Scott County Justice System, Linwood Township, Stacy MN, Stacy Minnesota, Shakopee Murder, child rape, child murder, Minnesota Parole Board, Wisconsin Social Services Department, Level II sex offender,Level III sex offender,Sex offender registration, probation violation, sex crime,murder, MN End of Confinement Review Board, Release on Good Behavior, child predator, sex predator, sexual predator warning,child exploitation, adjudicated sexual offenders, sexual offense against a victim who is a minor, sexual offenses committed against children, Sexual conduct, Solicitation to engage in sexual conduct, mandatory life imprisonment, kidnapping, forcible rape, sodomy, maiming of children, PRETRIAL RELEASE, supervised release, victim who is a minor, electronic monitoring, gps monitoring, sexual registration, notification to schools, notification of communities, community notification meeting, sexual offender compliance, release on good behavior
